I am sitting here crying with shaking hands. Your article was handed to me yesterday at my weekly breakfast of fathers who have lost adult children. The man who handed it to me lost his 16 year old son to drugs three years ago. My son [who was 23,] died two years ago.
Three of the 10 fathers who join us for breakfast suffer from kids lost to drugs. Our stories are your story. Different drugs, different cities, different Rehabs, but same story.
Our son died four years ago while still in treatment for substance abuse.
For the past four years I have felt in my heart that given sufficient time and “multiple bottoms” that [our son] would have eventually come to the point where your Nic is today. My wife, however, could not give voice to that kind of hope until she read your story. We both agree now that while it does take time, and for some a very long time, to find recovery, that our [son] ran out of his time in 2001 at 16 years of age. In a way we are comforted by your words, because hope like joy is hard to regain when it is lost. Your journey with Nic has restored hope to our lives….we still seek the joy.
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I wish your article held no meaning for me, but it does. My sweet, quiet, artistic, 17 year old daughter is addicted to heroin. In your story I found pieces of our lives. Recognition can be painful, but it also gives some solice to this... a secret agony.
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At first, I was simply startled that someone had written my story about my child without my permission. Halfway through the emotional text of very familiar events and manifest conclusions, I realized that the dates of significant incidents were wrong, and thereby had to conclude that other parents may be experiencing the same inconceivable tragedies and loss that I have.... Insight acquired over quarter of a century forces me to rewrite [the] last paragraph: "Escaping from his latest drug rehab, my son o.d. and nearly died. Sent to a very special program in another city, he stayed sober for almost two years, then began disappearing again, sometimes for months, sometimes years. Having been one of the most brilliant students in the country's highest ranking high school, it took him twenty years to >graduate from a mediocre collage. And, it has taken me just as long to discard my veil of impossible hope and admit that my son either can not or will not ever stop using drugs. He is now forty years old, on welfare, and resides in a home for adult addicts."
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I read your heartbreaking story this weekend, over the course of the weekend. It was difficult for me to read, I put it down half a dozen times. Nic’s experiences in many ways mirror my own, and I haven’t thought about those awful years in detail for a very long time. After my parents’ divorce I grew into a strange teenager, with dark, off-beat preferences in music, film and literature, and an ever-growing taste for drugs. My mom tried to see me as creative, experimental, an individualist, but eventually she had to recognize that she had a kid in trouble, spiraling toward self-destruction. When I was 17 my mom checked me into the psych ward at [a] hospital, where I was incarcerated for two full months, getting out just in time for my high school graduation.
The next several years were a series of triumphs and setbacks until, when I was 24, my mom got a call like the one you describe. I was in a hospital emergency room in [city] after a massive overdose. They told her there was a good chance I wouldn’t live through the night.
Some of us just have to get that low before we are really motivated to climb back. Apologies for the uninvited disclosure, but reading your story brought a flood of memories. My life seemed so dark and hopeless for so many years; looking back now it’s hard to believe I was ever that girl. It takes determination to be that self-destructive. I guess the good news is that the will is there, and if a person can channel that same determination in a more positive direction then a rich and full new life is possible.
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I just read your moving article and had tears streaming down my face as I sat in the waiting room where my son was [in therapy]. Thank you for sharing your heart breaking experience. To read it is a connecting experience, connecting to all the other parents in the world who have worried about their child or worse, lost their child. We are all connected in the way our hearts bleed for our children.
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As a single mother of three teenage boys, one of whom (now 16) is an addict, I would like to share a few additional perspectives on addiction. Addiction is a family disease entwined with enabling and co-dependent family members. For a parent of a 13 or 14 year old child it is a life altering decision to let go of the denial and excuses, and step to the other side, face the loss of dreams and hopes, and get your child into treatment. Parents and family members can work on their own recovery from this progressive, chronic disease with programs like Al-anon, Families Anonymous, or parent support groups.
I am one of those parents referred to in the article who emptied her pension, savings, and went into debt to pay for my child's treatment. If my son had cancer or diabetes, the insurance company would have picked up the entire bill. I work for [the state] government and have full medical coverage for my children. My insurance company denied all medical claims for my son. Most adolescent addicts have dual diagnoses such as depression, anxiety, ADHD, cutting, eating disorders, and they start self medicating with drugs and alcohol at a young age. Our children are like the author's son: smart, handsome, sensitive, athletic, talented writers, artists and musicians. They should not be lost because the health insurance industry has figured out ways to deny coverage for treatment of the disease of addiction.
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Your son sounds like many of the people I've worked with over the years. Good, decent people who can't understand what's happened to themselves. The last paragraph brought tears to my eyes. His insight about his love and caring for his brother, even while he was doing hurtful things, was stated in an extraordinarily simple and beautiful way. He sounds like a wonderful young man. I hope he holds onto his recovery. He has shown amazing persistence and an unwillingness to give up, despite the despair-inducing cycle of recovery and relapse. I'm sure that your continued love of him was (and is) certainly a big part of why he continues to fight to regain his life. As we gain a better understanding of the neurobiology of meth addiction and as we truly understand what it does to the brain, I think we will become increasingly aware of why good, smart, decent people lose control of their lives and their behavior. Hopefully this increased understanding will be accompanied by improvements in our ability to help them get their lives back as well.
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I grew up in [city] with many kids who like Nic became seriously involved with drugs. One former close friend now resides in a group home and has done so for 25 years. The addiction to drugs for some must be akin to weight maintenance for the morbidly obese. I don’t believe that people want to be addicted to drugs or alcohol. At my son’s school last week a drug prevention educator told a parents’ group that parental honesty about their own previous drug use does not necessarily have any impact on a child. Great. I hold my breath hoping that when exposed to drugs, my kids are more conservative than I was at their age. I have given my 13 year-old eighth grader the article and have sent it to my 15 year-old who is at prep school. Your article certainly puts things in perspective. I could feel the grief and guilt in your thoughtful words.
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The other day my daughter told me she learned at school that marijuana is 10 times worse than cigarettes. My husband and I realize we need to figure out how to approach the drug discussion with her, how and whether to talk about our own history. It's both unnerving and comforting to know that you haven't figured out what to say to your young children either. One hopes that Nic's example will be warning enough.
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The names were different but you told the story of my son and myself, from the age of thirteen on. Only another parent can understand the helplessness of watching your child spiral into a drug abuser, dealer, and generally despicable human being, that you paradoxically love with no boundaries. My other children were shortchanged because of my efforts to not ever abandon NAME, and maybe my life was put on hold, but he is alive, well and not using today. He ascribes his well being to his own efforts, and not to the several rehabs he went to. The most renowned told me to do the tough love approach, which was unacceptable to me. He had to know he could count on me, the way you were there for your son. Who knows, maybe that method works, sometimes.
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I am a 35 year-old man, the father of a four year-old boy (NAME), a husband, the owner of a consulting firm, and a recovering addict with 11 years clean. I was moved to tears reading what you wrote. I was moved because it shined a light on what I put my mother through years ago, and I was moved picturing MY SON’S little arms wrapped around my neck like they were yesterday while we were watching a football game.
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Your story is so much my story, except the ending. My 22-year old daughter, NAME, is sitting in CITY Jail right now on a no bail warrant issued by her probation officer for "not taking seriously" her "gift" of drug diversion that was handed down to her by the court in September 2004. In short, "My story" began in October 2001 when I learned after a great deal of denial, NAME was a crystal meth addict. In January 2002 we (my husband, NAME and another daughter) went through intervention and NAME agreed to in-patient, 28-day treatment at REHAB NAME, followed by 5 months in transitional living. She returned home with a full-time job and daily AA meetings and aftercare treatment at the REHAB. Not only was she clean and sober AND reborn, she became my friend, and we were so proud of her. I let her know that everyday. I just now remembered my husband and I taking NAME out for dinner celebrating her one year of sobriety, it now seems a lifetime ago. To my knowledge she was clean and sober for 22 months. I believe she relapsed in November 2003. We again tried to do in-patient rehab but NAME would only agree to see her counselor (from the REHAB) once a week and join an out-patient treatment program. We wrote a contract with her counselor giving her a specific deadline in mid-April to be actively enrolled in a program and the consequence of her not doing so would be she had to leave our home. On April 22, 2004 when I returned home from work, NAME was gone, as well as her clothes, and other items that did not belong to her. My next contact with NAME was a collect call at 11:00 at night in June from CITY Jail. She had been arrested for possession one block from the Jail. "My last round of enabling" was negotiating her bail with a promise from her to go directly to in-patient treatment (REHAB NAME). She bolted from rehab in 2-weeks. To say she is skating on thin ice is an absolute understatement. I do not believe she is drug free and will possibly (hopefully?) detox in jail until her court date. Prior to my email to you, I received a collect call from her crying and begging me to get her out. Promising to do whatever I say. "This time Mommie, I really have learned my lesson". But what about the other "This timeŠ"? I know there is a fine line between enabling and providing some resources. Words of wisdom and some advice are some of the reasons I have contacted you. Feeling joy for you and your family are another. I do know there is hope.
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i read the entire manuscript in one day.....it hits such a nerve with me.....it was like drinking a large glass of water after being parched by a hang-over......i learned so much by the endless repeat negative behavior descriptions ......i always thought that my love for [NAME] would save him from himself....WRONG....it was really helpful to read this truth over and over again as it is described in the book.....
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I am crying now thinking of my addicted son.
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My son went through many years and meth was his drug of choice although he, too, would use what ever was available if his preference was not available. Beginning when he was 17, he went through four treatment programs with the final one being successful -- thus far, almost 8 years in recovery now. He was 40 last August.
There were some what seemed critical aspects of the beginning of treatment which worked including, most critically, the birth of a son. He and NAME'S mother were never married and NAME was in jail during part of the pregnancy -- held on three felony charges of possession with intent to sell.
He found a lawyer, didn't asked to be bailed out (we wouldn't have done so anyway) and I fronted the money for the defense because NAME had already started in treatment at REHAB NAME. He went from there to ANOTHER REHAB in LOCATION, a residential facility, referred by the court to the program as a diversion decision. The DA wanted 3-5 in San Quentin despite the lack of any violence. That was rather shocking, but MY SON and lawyer made a good case, had the program all lined up and MY SON had good family support from the two of us.
When HIS SON was 11 months NAME became the custodial parent since THE CHILD'S mom didn't have her life sufficiently organized to deal with him. She has a daughter, then 5, from an earlier relationship.
MY SON does have some medical issues, currently not troubling - hepatitis in his case. His life now is thoroughly integrated into what we would think of as the mainstream. ...HE remains the same open minded person he always was able to relate to a much wider range of humanity than I ever could. ... The human capacity for change is striking. I spent several years in Alanon trying to come to grips with who I was in all that chaos. The journey continues.
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I look at my children. Their exposure to drugs is a topic we've been discussing of late as my son moves into pre adolescence. It scares the hell out of me. As one who grew up in a completely drug free environment, I don't know where the dangers lie and your article undermined any hope I had that as a progressive hands on parent I could save my child.
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Many in the [addiction] field believe that drug use and other addictive behaviors are a form of self-medication for symptoms rooted in brain chemical imbalances. There is a book by Charles Gant, M.D. titled End Your Addiction Now which can guide self treatment through the use of nutritional supplements, and I can't recommend it enough. Dr. Gant's suggestions can be used alone or as an adjunct to traditional treatment. I can honestly say, from my own experience and that of others to whom I have recommended the book, it really works.
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I look at my 12-year-old twin boys on the cusp of adolescence, and shuddered at the possibilities on the road ahead.
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I had problems with my son, NAME. HE and I went through most of what you described in your story several years ago. After going through a month in jail in Utah, three months in rehab, and six months with me in CITY, he now lives in CITY with a wonderful woman and will return to college this fall as a journalism major.
Finally a Mensch.
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How does a bright child go from pot to meth ? Some people must have a certain type of addictive gene that is more powerful than everything else..
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As parents of two boys aged 14 and 15 the issues of drugs and alcohol are upon us. I intend to share your story with them and hope that it will be an important, influential piece of the puzzle of information and influences they will be receiving while navigating the challenges and temptations of their teenage years. I had to tell you what happened today. I went to a meeting at our school with our daughter’s teacher and suddenly she started crying and said, “My daughter is a heroin addict and I just read a story in the New York Times about a father who understands what I have gone through.” Ohhh, ohhh, ohhh, tears fill my eyes
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My young son, 10, is so obsessed with the dark side of life, yet has a sparkle and a charm that seduces many, is the one I worry most about. I don't know what I can do to protect him from all the evil that is out there. Word has it that someone in our neighborhood is dealing heroin and turning on a lot of the 20 somethings. It makes me sick that he would play a part in fucking up these young people who are just finding themselves and don't come from the kind of money that he can hide behind. It's not surprising that his son ate the family cat.
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THERE ARE HUNDREDS MORE STORIES. THEY WILL BE POSTED SOON.
